**I apologize for the randomness of this post, it is just simply my random thoughts on "paper"
It's been a minute since I have blogged. But for some reason I have felt the urging want or need to put my feelings in writing. Maybe so I can one day look back at my 20s and remember, maybe so one day my children can read what I went through, and understand that "I know"! Whatever the reason, here I am.
"The Bible", have you watched it? My husband and I are absolutely in love with this series. We know the stories, and grew up in church, but for some reason "seeing it" has given us all the clarity in the world. Not to mention I really LOVE connecting with my husband on a spiritual level. He challenges me, in a great way, and widens my perspective...but he can also bring me back to reality.
For whatever reason I have been going through a spiritual journey. I tend to do so every few years, something happens in my life that makes me think "Why am I here". The biggest difference about my current journey and those of the past is I find myself much more focued on "What can I do to fulfill YOUR purpose Lord". As most 20 somethings I have struggled in the past with faith, religion, beliefs etc. The biggest conclusion I have ever drawn is that anything done out of, or with Love, is never wrong.
This Easter season has hit me harder than most. I've not gotten caught up in pretty outfits, hunting plastic eggs, or pictures with this "Creep Bunny" that will be sneaking into your house to leave candy (I mean really, CREEPY) that tends to consume a parent during this time. No, I've found my mind much more occupied with Christ's journey. For the first time in my life I feel like I can relate to Jesus and His disciples. I believe it's because when I read the stories in the past I always pictured them as so much older than me. The truth is, they were the age I find myself at today, dealing with struggles in faith that many of us this age deal with. Maybe seeing it on television, and realizing hey, they're my age has helped with this!?
How powerful. Watching the Bible Sunday they depicted the last supper. To me, it always played out in my mind as this serious angelical occurence. But really it was a group of friends, who shared in belief and had true love for one another...How Powerful!! It's easy to say Jesus was the Son of God, of course He is perfect. But Jesus was also the Son of Mary, so of course He was man also. I don't believe he wanted to die, and I believe the thought of it, terrified Him. Not to mention one of his BEST FRIENDS sold him out. Could you sit and have dinner right next to the person you knew betrayed you, and still love them, forgive them? But he trusted in the Father, and He leaned on him in prayer when life was out of His control.
I've felt my love for Jesus grow tremendously over the last couple of weeks. And the love feels different, it's as strong as what I feel for Josh. I immediately understood the love that God and Jesus had for me the minute I laid eyes on my two precious gifts. All the doubt in the world of how they could love something or anyone so broken, were erased...because I GOT IT. But I am just now beginning to feel the love that I should for God and Jesus. I've always had a relationship with them, but selfishly I have been on the receiving end. I am working on that. Spending more time in my life asking "What would Jesus do, and How can I make You happy and proud of me".
It's not easy and I fail daily. That's okay, as long as I continue to learn and grown through my failures instead of justifying them. I'm not perfect, and don't believe I will ever be. But I do have a perfect love inside of me, and I do believe it is mine, and every other Christian's responsibility to share the same love that has been shown to us.
I am the WORST. BLOGGER. EVER!!!! I can not believe it has been about 7 months since my last post! Scratch that, yes I can! I am a stay at home mom of not one beautiful baby, but TWO beautiful babies!! Life is in full swing ladies and gents!!
I apologize completely for my absence! A lot has happened since we last chatted. You all know I had Mr. Parker, what you don't know is that by 3 months he was rolling over, and laughing, by 6/7 months he began to crawl and said dada, and is a CHAMP at eating. We can actually scoop the food onto the spoon and the child will feed himself!! Parker can also GO in the walker. I'm talking take off running and just slide! It's the funniest thing to watch! At this time he already has SIX TEETH! You read it right...6! It has been a LOOOOOONG couple of months in our house. Currently he is working on two more for a grand total of eight coming soon!!
He is the polar opposite of Lena, well except in the way they both make my heart melt! He is a sensitive little thing. Parker gets his feelings hurt extremely easy. Sissy (Lena Belle) will often find Parker playing with a toy that is CLEARLY off limits to him...aka her Ken doll. He is welcome to play with ANY ONE of her 20 barbies, but no Ken!! This usually insues in a pulling match, followed by some yelling, the likes of which I can not understand (probably better off), and ends up with an upset little boy crying on the floor. OH, but don't worry, Lena does not miss a beat. Once she has secured the Ken doll she will always find something else more suitable for Parker to play with!
All mothers say it, but I really do adore my kiddos. I am so blessed, in more ways than one! I couldn't be more thankful for how loving Lena is to her little brother. She's at a sensitive age, you know THE TWOS!!! I was terrified that once tantrums began her anger would be taken out on baby bro, but so far so good. Daddy, myself, and Allie take the brunt of the hostility!! :0)
I guess you figured out that Ms. Belle turned two! Ahh...be still my heart! Where does the time go? I am absolutely LOVING this stage of her life. Her speech is greatly improving, and her sentence structure gets us laughing everytime! For instance:
What you would say:
"May I please have a glass of juice"
The way it goes down in my house:
Lena- "Duice, dada, go-go, bye!!!" Mom- "Lena what do you say??" Lena- "PEEEZZE...k bye!"
She's getting there! In the meantime she keeps us entertained! We are working on potty training! It's a slow process with her, and I am afraid it's just going to be. The girl is so independent. She does things on her time...period! So that whole putting your child on the potty every 30 min or so...yeah it doesn't work here. What we end up with is a big screaming, kicking match and a mommy frustrated...while baby watches from the door in the walker! Kind of commical now that I think about it!
She has gone potty, several times in fact, and usually atleast once a day. She knows what it means, how to get on it, how to wipe, flush...so on and so forth. She just really isn't interested in doing it sometimes!! But she absolutely does not want to be in a dirty diaper. SOO with that said, since potty training she has began to come up and tell us when it's time to be changed! Another grammer lesson....
No lie, I even caught the child changing her own diaper one day! I went into Parker's room for something only to find her sprawled out naked on the floor, wipes in one hand, diaper under her booty, and a MASSIVE amount of AandD ointment in the other hand! It wasn't half bad I guess! HAHA
So you see, I have stayed pretty busy these last few months! And I won't say it's because they are such a hand full, and yes having two kids so young can be a LOT at times. But really I just enjoy being a mommy. I can't think of any other way I would rather spend my days then lost in their baby blues reading the same book over and over again, enjoying tea partys, giving ANOTHER bath for the day, chasing around the house, dancing around a musical teapot, or cuddling up to the couch with!! They are absolute perfection and have made my life something worth blogging about, but at the same time...lacking the real desire to take time away to do so! hmm funny how that works!!
I can't believe Parker is almost six weeks old, and I have yet to find the time to blog about his birth, and amazing life he is living! So forgive me for my delay! Have 2 under 2 can leave you with little time to eat, much less a chance to sit down and "journal"!!
Parker Scott made his entrance at 11:52 p.m on August 18th, 2011. He weighed in at a whopping 8 pounds 15 ounces, and was a height of 22.5 inches long. I wish I could tell you that it was this perfect, amazing birth that I will look back on lovingly for the rest of my life.
I had decided that week to go ahead with an induction. I felt discouraged for "giving" into this temptation, but the fact remained that I was completely, utterly, miserable. I had been dialated about 4 centimeters for almost 2 weeks, on and off bleeing, lost my mucus plug, painful contractions that would pick up and stop, and swelling that was so painful I couldn't make a fist and was barely able to pick up Lena. Suffice to say my body was taking a MAJOR beating.
The doctor kept assuring me that he wasn't a "big" baby, but my gut was telling me something else. There was no way that I was feeling him up as high, and down as low as I was if he was just as big as his older sister. Anyways after weeks of utter pregnant misery I caved and scheduled an induction. I gave myself about another week after I scheduled one for my body to kick in on it's own....it didn't!
We arrived at the hospital around 6:30 that morning and since I had done a preregistration we were quickly taken back and set up in a delivery room. I'd been contracting all morning, but was so used to it that I didn't think much of it. They were reading about every 6 or so minutes apart, but nothing ever intensified or picked up.
They started me on the pitocin around 9:45ish. It didn't take long for the contractions to set in. About an hour or so later I started to really feel pressure. The contractions hurt, but they weren't agonizing...my mom so kindly informed me that my contractions were only reading about a 40...and they needed to get to a 100 before it was all said and done! LoL after informing her that I wasn't in a good mood and didn't need them telling me what did and did not hurt...she decided to take a walk...aka get away from my bad attitude! (and trust me, when I am in labor...or going through anything for that matter...it's better to just back off and leave me be. If I need ya, I'll tell ya!!)
I had already told them I wanted the epidural. After my last delivery I didn't want to risk any more pain than necessary. I decided to goempty my bladder before the doctor showed up with the "good meds". It took me a minute to get up, and get to the bathroom, and at this point my contractions were just a few minutes apart. I can't even describe to you the way they felt. With Lena I remember this HORRIBLE period like cramp down through my legs. This time around they were different. They were concentrated in my "woman parts" and felt like I was trying to hold a bowling ball inside...literally.
So I tell my nurse the type of pain I'm having. She wants to check me, but they are here with the epidural and we decide to wait till after my line is in place. The epidural was the hardest part. Having to sit still when all you want to do is pace around the floor...and I had been....was no fun. Not to mention once she got it in, she decided it needed to be redone. UGH!! They were absolutely wonderful and gentle with me and worked amazing around my contractions...waiting for my go ahead each time before moving to the next step.
After the "test dosage" my nurse checks me. Yup...fully dialated, and was already fully effaced when we got there..so it was go time! Basically I labored without any sort of drug, and am not sure teh pitocin really did a whole lot...maybe sped it up a bit, but hey I had already felt like I was in labor for weeks.
So an hour after starting the induction, I was ready to push. Pushing went great, until that small dose of pain medicine kicked in...it took a minute to get my groove back. About 45 minutes later his head was out...and this is where the story turns. Parker just stopped coming out...he had shoulder dystocia, aka he got stuck.
At this point all I remember is the nurse pushing mom away, my doctor jumping up out of her seat, and everyone YELLING at me to just push and don't stop. Next thing I know, Dr. Booth is literally elbows deep in me just pulling, tugging, twisting, whatever she can do to get him loose.
I can vividly remember thinking, what if they don't get him out...what are we going to do. I'm positve I prayed through the grunts, and what felt like forever later, he was out. Dr. Booth yelled for the respiratory doctor. At this point my heart stopped. "what is wrong with my baby" "please dear God let him be ok"...these kept going through my mind over and over. I don't think I had any sense of readable emotion until they told me he was okay. At that point I just broke down and cried...babyless, layed up alone on a table. When mom and Josh saw this, they were immediately at my side hugging, kissing, reassuring me.
Eventually my uncontrollable sobbing calmed down and they placed my "little dumpling" in my arms. 8 pounds, 15 ounces...he was almost 2 pounds and 2 inches bigger than his sister was...but like his sister he was absolutely perfect!!
After two scary deliveries I am blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children. Parker has completely turned my world upside down, and they both teach me something new daily, but that's an etirely different blog!
By far the hardest part of pregnancy, for me, is waiting around for labor to begin. Lena was born EXACTLY on her due date. Well, actually she just barely made it, by arriving at about 11:52. I didn't have any sort of "warning" that labor was coming. I had been dilated 2 cm and 50 % effaced for weeks. I hadn't experienced any real contractions (well, not including the couple I got while watching a crazy Cats game) I vividly remember sitting in bed....on the computer...at midnight...when I felt my first true contraction. There was no doubt in my mind that this was "it". And sure enough they steadily came every 15-20 minutes all night. They grew more painful, and closer together, and when I saw red, I made my way to the hospital.
Parker's story, not so much. When I went for my 37 week checkup, I was already miserable. I had cleaned the entire morning, and my back was aching like no other. I didn't get my hopes up for much of anything. However, when I heard the words 3-4cm and 50-70 % effaced I thought "WHAT"!!! Dr. Croce seemed certain I would go into labor by the weekend. And while I knew that the doctor's can only make a "prediction", I was hopeful. My checkup sent my body completely out of wack. The usual spotting, cramping, contracting, followed my the loss of my plug had me extremely hopeful. Again, not so much. This misery went on for DAYS followed by days of NOTHING!!! I think I have had about 4 or 5 different instances where I thought, this is it. I kid you not, there were a couple of times my contractions hurt so bad, I couldn't get out of bed. But, alas, they eased up and still no baby!
So the waiting has been much harder this time around. Actually it's not so much the waiting part, as it is the fake out. Let me be clear....these so called "false contractions" can HURT! And I'm having them so often now, that I don't even get excited anymore. I just chalk it up to my little prankster and go about my business. Hopefully I don't sit around ignoring them and end up having a baby in the back seat of Bertha! LoL
Needless to say, I am ready. I hope Parker is too. Maybe all this pain and agony won't be a waste of time and labor will go fast. (I won't hold my breath) Did I mention that my hormones have me feeling extremely negative these days...Ugh!! :0)
Sorry, I don't know what happened to week 36...it just came and went!! hmmmm....
Total weight gain/loss: holding steady!
Maternity clothes? Yes!!!
Stretch marks? Just the few!!
Sleep: I have learned to live without it
Best moment this week: Too many to list!!
Movement: Yes, but he's calmed down the last day or two!
Food cravings: Nope, just hungry!!
Gender: Baby Boy! Parker Scott..
Labor Signs: Oh yes! We are in our home stretch! I found out today that I am 3/4 centimeters dialated, head is at -1 ( i thin kthat's right), and between 50/70 percent effaced!! I was in utter shock to hear this news! I knew I had been feeling "different" the last few days, bursts of energy, sickness, and a LOT of heavy pressure, but I had no clue my body was doing so much work! Since my checkup I have paid more attention to my contractions! They are fairly regular, and strong, but don't exactly hurt!! Hopefully the little guy gives us some "warning" time to get down to the hospital!! Could be any day now....or next week! You just never know!!
Belly Button in or out? Out, period!!
Wedding rings on or off? Still off...I miss them! :0(
What I miss: sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep....did I mention sleep!!??
What I am looking forward to: Meeting Mr. Parker!! Won't be long!!
Weekly Wisdom: You can prepare as much as you want, but you will still have a sense of "panic" when you know it's really going down!! So just relax and enjoy it all as best you can!
Milestones: Parker could be here at any moment now!! WHAAAAT!!??
Don't worry! No I am not currently sitting in labor and delivery awaiting the arrival of our precious Parker! But I have reached that pinnacle part of pregnancy where every ache and pain makes you want to haul hiney to triage!! My poor family! I have more aches and pains to whine about than any human being should be allowed...
I'll be honest! I really did believe that labor was starting the night before last. I had ran to the grocery to get a few things, after taking a bit of a nap. Before I left I told Josh I was a bit crampy, and thought maybe if I got up and out I'd feel a bit better. Thus an impromtu grocery run...(ps I LOVE LOVE LOVE grocery shopping, so does Joshua) Anywho, back to the real story!! While walking around I noticed my back and stomach really starting to ache. It was seriously becoming so bad that walking like a normal human being was a challenge.
After walking around the store to get the few items I came for (plus a cart full of stuff we didn't need, but looked good haha) I headed home. Josh had made some AMAZING sausage and krauts! I know to most of you that sounds gross, but it was delicious and I must say it put Schmidts to shame! Unfortunately thought it took a while for my too eat. My stomach continued this cramping nonsense...all through that night.
Nothing ever came of it (obviously) and I remember a couple of times thinking to myself "I should really get up, shower, and shave"!! hahaha I even called my mom and talked to her about it.
Ever since that night I have had a crazy persistent back ache, and some intense contractions. Again, no pattern, nothing getting worse, and no other sign of impending labor, but every time I feel my tummy tighten...I think "this is it!! Here we go...HOLY CRAP!"
I am sure it will happen the one day my house isn't picked up, Lena and I are pajama lounging, and Josh is stuck in meetings unable to get to his phone!! Don't worry, I'll let you know when it does happen!! :0)