Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Sometimes, most times, I get so caught up in my day to day that I forget to stop and look around at all of my amazing blessings. I spent most of my morning reading a blog about a beautiful family who lost their 1 month old son last year. I read about the strength and faith in God. Many times I had to take a break to wipe the tears that were impairing my vision.

I get so completely caught up in things that are absolutely not important (ie cleaning, laundry, baby weight...) the list could go on and on. Often times I feel like I am just a lazy soul when I would rather lay in my pajamas with Lena all day, then pick up a broom. But then I remember how short this life is. Nothing brought that home more to me than losing my Papaw, and the biopsy I had to have done a few months ago. It's amazing how losing someone and seeing your life potentially slipping can breathe life back into you. I wish I could feel that kind of peace all the time.

I've never really written about my grandfather, maybe because I found it to personal, or maybe because it just seemed to soon. I was 22 years old when they diagnosed him with cancer. He had been sick for some time and I think we all knew it was more serious than he let on. Cancer seems to be such an everyday word anymore, that I truly thought nothing of it. My other Papaw had 3 different types all of which turned out fine.

I don't think the reality hit me until my wedding day. Papaw was too ill to make it to my wedding. I didn't think much of it until Josh suggested we go see him on our way to the reception. That was the first time I think I really cried for him. I think it was the first time I can truly remember his stubborn self being truly happy to see my loud mouth walk through his doors. And the only time I ever remember him getting up to hug me. We weren't by any means of the word close, but I loved him dearly and would give anything to know more about the man he was inside. The tears began to well up while walking to the car, Josh quickly grabbed and held me tight, reassuring the vows we had just exchanged. I took a large deep breath and let it go.

I'm not the crying type, or I wasn't before Lena came along. I hate to cry, simply because there's too much to be happy about!! A month later we discovered we were expecting our first and not long after Papaw took a turn for the worse. I decided to stay behind after Josh and I visited for a weekend. I visited Papaw regularly where I was able to tell him about the baby to come, and I remember the last time I was in the hospital. I knew that this would probably be the last time I saw him, so I kissed him on the cheek goodbye, just like I had done for the last 23 years.

Getting the call a few weeks later that he wasn't going to make it, broke my heart. I don't think I have ever felt so completely lonely. I wanted nothing more than to be with my family in that last moment. I was able to make it home for his funeral, and if a funeral can be beautiful, it was. The drive to KY was long. I went alone since Josh had to work. Part of me was hurt that he wasn't with me, but looking back I can see that it was my time to grieve and reflect. I needed to get that out of my system so I could put myself aside and be there for my Mamaw, mom, aunt, uncle, brother, cousins...etc!

Losing someone is hard, and Papaw was the first person in my day to day life that I had lost. But losing someone also puts life in perspective. Driving home after that week I felt nothing but peace. Death, be it hard for those of us left on earth, is just a part of life. When I grieve it's for my own selfish reasons, not because of his soul.

So when life gets out of focus for me I try to remember that peace. I try to step back and look at my blessings. I try to pray more and give thanks for all that I have.


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